May. 6th, 2010

Going under

May. 6th, 2010 12:13 am
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So far this year I have lost a...not insignicant amount of weight.  *Cue the cheers here*  Unfortunately, this is only after I gained an enormous amount of weight since buying the house. 

You see, I eat my feelings and sadly I discovered early on that rage tastes best deep fried.

To sum up:  I've lost some weight but I've got a LOT more to lose before I'm "Dan-sized" again. 

I was going rather faithfully to the ghetto gym near my house but I was having a harder and harder time putting in the time and the sweat.  Ghetto gym has been becoming increasingly more and more ghetto over the last few months and I've grown to despise it.  Hate it.  Loathe it. I longed for the extremely overpriced yet magnificent set up at the YMCA near Denim Hell but ghetto gym had me by the nutsack until October...

...and it was dragging me down.

And then suddenly...POOF....last week I had a revelation.  If someone offered me a pill for $130 bucks that magically removed 15 or 20lbs, would I buy it?  Of being me...I knew I'd not only buy it, I'd buy two.  Well $130 bucks is about what three months at the YMCA would cost me this summer so why wouldnt I give it a shot especially if it really could get me re-engaged with the Daniel Shrinkage.  (That sounded so much better in my head.) 

Besides, the YMCA has a pool.  A huge, lovely, Olympic sized lap pool through which I could propel my ginormous body through the water like a pregnant manitee with an eating disorder. 

Long story short, last week I gave in and bought a membership and became a swimmer wannabe again.  Much to my dismay the 20 years that have passed since I last swam on even a sporadic basis have obliterated what was the entirety of my former mediocre-at-best swimming skills. 

"How long as it been since you've been swimming?" the YMCA membership recruitment mafia asked me during my initial orientation.

"Wang Chung was popular," I replied.  "And I had hair."

"Oh." she toned seriously.

Swimming is hard.  I dont remember it being hard but 20 years ago I wasnt this...bouyant.  Swimming has given me a few wonderful shopping opportunities though.  I have two..count them...two kicking cute pairs of swim trunks.  (You'll have to take my word for their cuteness because my hanging gut hides a lot of the fabulousness.)  And then today I got to go out and buy a pair of rather retro swimming goggles to protect my delicate seeing orbs from the harshness of chlorine. 

Chlorine hurts....and renders me practically blind for hours and hours afterwards.  Then there is the matter of my goatee.  The chlorine is turning it lighter and lighter and lighter with each soak in the pool.  I'm quite daddy-fied at the moment.  With a party to attend this friday night, a little bit of chemical magick might be in order. 

So now Im a pregnant manitee with an eating disorder with a daddy goatee in kicking swim trunks and groovy speedo goggles.  That's progress, I suppose.


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