Jul. 29th, 2010

book_of_daniel: (stripedtiger)

On the day I can no longer forestall my inevitable commitment to a state run institution for both my own safety and that of the public at large, I request that at least one of you get in touch with the doctors handling my electro-shock therapy to inform them to save my HMO the burden of costly Rorschach tests and simply observe the state of my home.  For you see, when I'm depressed and/or crazed, my house quickly spirals into a two hour "Very Special Episode" of Hoarders. 

For two weeks I've been anxious, depressed, and totally manic.  In those two weeks my home has....suffered.

Suffered mightily.

On the bright side, if I am a psychotic nutcase of Kim Jong-il porportions, I am at least a functional one.  As such, I can recognize the escalating decay of my domicile and understand the connections to my own breakdown. This week I saw my mess and knew that my mess was me and put a plan into motion to diagnose, treat, and push my depression back into remission.  In short; physician clean thyself.

Thursday's alternative treatment to lithium and electrodes was to handle my yardwork and handle it I did.  The grass was cut.  The trimming was completed.  The driveways, garage areas, and sidewalks were edged back.  The rosebush of doom was eviscerated and it's roots were gleefully and spitefully poisoned. Solar yard lights were dug up and repositioned.  My grape vines on the car port got a Kid N Play style fade and I even fixed the super, ultra gay twinkle lights strung on the back patio. 

I want to laminate the entire yard right now. It must stay exactly the way it is for the rest of the year.  Perhaps some type of shellac.  Don't lesbians secrete preservative resins when they mate? 

Note to self:  Get more lesbians.

The edging portion of the day...

...get your minds of the gutter you filthy poppets...

...was particularly taxing.  I think I reclaimed a foot or two of driveway clearance once I'd wacked the weeds back from their concrete border incursions.  The sidewalk in front of the house is now in line with my two boardering over achiever neighbors who keep ruler straight lines in their grass along the edges of the walkway.  Before today, you could walk the 'hood and say to yourself, "Good neighbor...Good neighbor...Good neighbor...Deadbeat neighbor...Good neighbor...Oh my God should we check Dan's house for a dead body smell because he hasnt edged this all year and surely has perished in some unspeakable way...Good neighbor...Good neighbor..."

Tonight I'm a good neighbor.  Sadly, it's probably not meant to last.

Friday I tackle the inside of Morning Glory Circle.  That is, if I'm not too sore from today's burst of HGTV cosplay.  The bathroom alone is rather hazmatty.  Special equipment...aka a professional cleaning service with a deathwish...might be required.


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