Oct. 24th, 2010

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I think I'm going to retire in Belize.  Not tomorrow...but one day.  I've been doing a lot of reading lately about the pros and cons of retiring out of country and moving to Belize when I'm slightly older seems like it might be something that should be explored.  You need very little money to live comfortably in Belize which is good because when I retire one day I'll have very little money. 

Why am I thinking of this now?  I don't know.  I feel I need some kind of plan and...well...this is it.  Some of you may come and visit me in my hut and dine on lobster with me.  Some of you will not be invited.  Sorry.  Island life just wouldnt be the same if it wasnt ever so slightly snobby.

This weekend was the Circleville Pumpkin Show.  To those of you outside Ohio I know this means nothing but it's basically a huge ass country fair in a tiny town called Circleville that revolves around...wait for it...pumpkins.  It's a big deal in these parts and in 10 years of Ohio living I have never attended.  This year I set out to rectify that.

I was picked up at Morning Glory Circle by a few friends at 3:30 yesterday afternoon and off to the pumpkin show we went.  Two and a half hours of wedging my bulk into the crowded back seat of an Ion and we were still sitting in traffic on the highway trying to get into Circleville.  (This event is HUGELY popular and traffic in and out of Hazzard County backs up for miles...)  Daniel was not happy and a less than happy Daniel is a snarky, bitter thing to have in your car. 

Basically, we gave up.  Just outside of the hickville town in question we turned the car around and headed home.  On the way back we stopped at a much smaller, family farm that was offering carnival rides, bbq, fudge, pies, and pumpkins.  Someone in the car had suggested going to this place when we first passed it...


...but was rudely overruled by our navigating overlord.  The little farm shindig was nice but horribly, horribly over priced.  I did walk out with a small container of goats milk fudge and a smaller container of potato candy.  (insert yum here)  They had all manner of pies and cakes and canned goods at this place but I wasnt packing my Platinum card to bring any of it home.  A pumpkin roll was $22 dollars, a bag of homeade egg noodles $6, and pies were equally budget busting in nature.  I did get an apple cider slushie on my way out though.  $1.25.  Best $1.25 I'd spend in ages.

The goats milk fudge kind of rocked too which is good since I'll be making low monthly payments on it for the next six months.

Friday morning I had something of a minor confrontation with a Snufflupagan outside the local Walmart.  (Yes.  I was at Walmart.  Check the "People of..." site in the next few days to see me in my full glory.)  I was there to pick up my new contacts...more on that later...when someone stopped me to ask if I'd give money to the homeless.  I started to pull a dollar out of my pocket when I noticed the sign on his table.  He was from one of the local mega churches popping up all over the area. 

"Care to give to the homeless today?" I was asked.

"To a church?" I replied.  "No. Never.  You should be ashamed."


"You're not working for the homeless.  You're collecting money for your church.  Money you'll deposit into your tax shelter for benefits you'll use to pay your preacher with.  You should be ashamed."

"Well god bless you sir.."

*Insert the official talk-to-the-hand call sign here*  "Save it buddy.  I ain't buying."

...and that was it.  My own little act of rebellion.  I'm normally not confrontational at all but he caught me in a mood.  A mood that made me immediately call Evil Friend Jack and brag that I'd just smacked around a Snufflupagan just to gloat in my own evil way. 

Snufflupagan:  (n)  Someone of any faith..christian, muslim, buddhist, ect ect ect...that believes an invisible best friend that only they can see or hear helps them through life and will smite you with eternal damnation for not believing the exact same thing.

Besides....he was outside a Walmart begging for cash.  I shop at Walmart because I HAVE NO CASH.  Wouldnt it be smarter to go stand outside a Macy's or a Bed, Bath, and Beyond and hawk you faith for your preacher's Mercedes?  Bed Bath and Beyonders:  Now there's some disposible income just begging for a guilt attack.

Contacts.  I bought some.  Apparently I'm blind again and was the last one to know about it. 

10 years ago I had lasik and loved it but lasik isnt permanent.  Over the years, my eyes continued to degenerate and this last month I just could no longer deny that my vision was dangerously bad.  While I can have my lasik redone this spring for free I needed something to get me through the winter without killing myself or others with the Jeep....not on purpose as some of you might guess. 

So, after 10 years free eyeballing it I have the horror of contact lenses again.  Me hates them but I've regained a level of visual detail that is truly staggering. That's a plus. The big minus to this newfound clarity of vision is that when I got  home I could see just how fucking dirty my house actually was.  All I could see was dust everywhere.  All I could see was fingerprints...and my kitchen floor?  Gods I was horrified.  I was so disgusted I cleaned more and harder than I have since my mother came to see the house for the first time.  (I almost died from clorox fumes.)  

Attention to detail is nice and all but damn, ignorance really was a dirty kind of bliss. 

Note to self: A seeing eye dog would probably lick that kitchen floor clean next time.  Screw that damn swiffer thing.


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